I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
