i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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