I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
