Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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