Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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