You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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