im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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