I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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