you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
