clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
