I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
