Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I cut my penus on the lid.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
