ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
