we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
