I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
