i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
