I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
They have beer where we have blood.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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