True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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