There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
