I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
