your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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