I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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