ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
