got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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