You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
