I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
