Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
