before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
