I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
