Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Sorry my hands just texted you
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
