I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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