i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
