i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
