she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
