No awkward lesbian experiences without me
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
