just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
