just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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