you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
whose ass print is on the piano?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
