I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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