I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
