Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
