i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
