I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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