yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
