someone get that fucking seahorse.
i think i have two assholes
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
