You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
