i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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