we're chasing vodka with high fives
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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