Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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