dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
