I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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