I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
