dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
